Following But Not Leading

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror, your home, or the clothes you wore and asked why does my life look like this? What did you see that caused you to ponder, and how did you feel?

What reflected back at me when I looked in the mirror was a person who was unhappy and nothing had meaning, value, or substance. I was just existing.

Stains on the coverlet, dishes that needed to be washed. Dirty clothes that were stacking up. Projects I’ve started and never finished. Bathrooms that I would be too embarrassed to let someone see.

I would spend hours sitting and watching the beautiful interiors and lifestyles of others, but my life was a mess.

Being a spectator lead me to depression. I had given up on making a life that I wanted, with goals and desires I had set for myself, because somebody else’s life choices looked so much better.

I was watching but I was not accomplishing. I was stagnant, just existing, living a ideal exsistence vicariously through the influencer on the screen.

My focus had become keeping up with the other peoples’ lives and trends. I had stopped looking within to determine what was important or valuable to me.

I was becoming my favorite influencers,

a clone,

drowning

the

person

I was,

in order

to be ….

I had lost the skill of driving and what I realized is I needed to get back in the driver’s seat, instead of being chauffeured by the Joneses.

What about me! This was the sound of the alarm blaring in my head.

The majority of my decisions were made by what was desirable and acceptable to others. What I realized was their desires did not create happiness, in actuallity they frustrated me.

In light of this I had to ask myself, did I actually want fifty designer hand bags, a perfectly organized kitchen, or the “it girl” esthetic?

Then why was I consuming this content? Why was I following the crowd?

To put it plainly, I had become a copycat, but failing miserably. I was simply dissatisfied with the fact, I was following but not leading.

I wish I could say that as I write this that I have it all together; nope, this is just the beginning of my journey. I have decided to take the lead, guiding myself on a quest to a life well lived.